She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
