she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
