apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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