Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
