Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
