Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
