I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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