i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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