gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
