We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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