I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i came on her dog
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
