I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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