just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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