someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
