Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
