Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
