you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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