he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
