I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You are a genius and a whore.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
