Christians are straight up FREAKS
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
