I hate your face
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
someone owes me an orgasm
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
