My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
