I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
