finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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