You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
