Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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