i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
