My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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