tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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