She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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