i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
