Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
