Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
