yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
