dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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