When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
