I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
