bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
