just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
