While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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