I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
