Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
