woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
