i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
