i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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