then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
