Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
