p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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