How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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