Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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