i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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