This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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